Yeah, no. Third night no sleep. I think our little boy is constipated. My mum suggests watered down apple juice. A grocery shop is planned for today so I'll get some. Wish us luck! Once things flow a little freer around here maybe we'll all sleep!

vulnerable

(an old picture, but one of the very few of Ethan and I together - and not a very good one of either of us but what can you do?)

Something that has been on my mind lately is how vulnerable I feel as a mum. I don't know if this is a commom feeling for new parents to get used to - but my vulnerability seems to be pretty daunting when I think about it too much - it has even invaded my dreams and I've been having nightmares.

I'm not afraid of much in this world. And things that worry me or fill me with apprehension don't make me feel out of control. In fact, they'll spurn me to act to ensure that the situation or problem is handled (or avoided). Such as a job interview; personal health, financial matters, relationships, etc. Nothing can't be managed. I'm a planner - give me a situation and I'll plan my course of action to ensure that the end result will be what works out best for me and my family. I am not always right, or successful, but I always feel in control.

Enter baby - vulnerable little bird. Baby who has eaten up my heart, life and future in one split second. I am powerless. I am not invincible. I am vulnerable.

I am so afraid of something happening to Ethan, I don't know if my level of fear is normal or if I'm getting a bit psychotic. I worry about an accident happening to him - with really horrific results. I worry that I'll wake up one morning and he'll no longer be breathing. I worry that he'll be gone - swiped out of my arms, and I'll have to try to find a way to continue living for the sake of my husband and parents because that is the scariest thing in the world to me - life without my son.

I know I'm sounding morbid and a bit overly dramatic, but I'm being perfectly honest and I'm troubled that these thoughts spend so much time and space in my thinking lately.

I had a dream last night that a woman at work (who I've always been suspicious as being a little batty) had snatched Ethan while he played on the lawn in front of some building (I guess there was an office summer function going on) and climbed up a water tower with him in her arms (somehow - not sure how that's really possible, but it was a dream and all). I was screaming and panicking - the feelings very very real. Hours after waking, I thankfully don't remember the rest of the dream...not even if my son had survived the ordeal or not. But it was a terrible nightmare and I woke up pretty upset. Two nights previously, I had had another nightmare about someone trying to kill ME (not a rare dream for me, unfortunately) - so I think my fears, in combination with short sleep cycles, are taking a toll.

I have no answers for this little entry - just the burden on my mind. I'm thankful I have a child to worry helplessly about. There is nothing I wouldn't do for my little guy. I just wish that I didn't feel so fearful about his safety. I hate feeling vulnerable, not emotionally strong. They didn't tell me about this in the baby books. Or maybe I'm the only one?

I try to keep things in perspective - I can, after all, separate reality from fiction. In fact my tubby boy is sitting in my lap as I type this last paragraph; bottom freshly cleaned, lunched and smelling sweetly of last night's bath. I know I'm a great mum, and am very protective and careful. I don't think the stars are aligned in a way that only doom shall follow me. Ethan's thriving big time and smiles so much you'd think that those months of colic were just my imagination. He's wonderful. He's also my biggest dream come true - and feels too good to be true - which I guess is why I often wonder when I'll wake up and he'll be gone. I need to relax, I think, and feel deserving of this amazing being, this amazing role. He's here - larger than life, and I doubt very much he's willing to wait for me to get over myself so that we can enjoy another day together.

zzzz

Lookit me! I'm wide awake!

No, we didn't sleep again last night, thanks for asking. In the mornings, I used to make a half pot of coffee for myself to consume each day - sometimes not having more than a mug of it (usually due to baby committments more than lesser coffee needs at the time). Now I'm afraid to say that I'm making almost a whole pot each bleary eyed morning and polishing off the whole thing by lunch time. I'm tired, I'll tell you that for free.

The bad news: my eye yuckiness is returning for the 3rd time, which means a future visit to the opthamologist and more hot sticky sweaty summer days wearing my glasses and trying to put on my makeup by feel and not sight in the morning.

The good news: my big boy can sit up by himself!  Which means that baby proofing and the mahem that follows is just around the corner. Last night, while sitting up and viewing the world around him at his new eye level,  he took keen fascination to the feel of his hands and forehead against the sharpy sharp corners of our glass-topped coffee table, which shall either have a shortened life in our home or shall soon be tastefully wrapped in styrofoam edges and duct tape.  To send donations to the McIntyres for a new (and much safer, soft wooden) coffee table, email me for our address and/or bank account numbers.
 
Its another day in paradise.

I know I talk about being tired way too much - but I can't help it. Unfortunately, Ethan broke his running record of good sleeps for the past week or so - with stretches of 6, 7 and once even 8 hours of slumber at a time each night. I was still tired during the day due to constant baby minding, but its amazing what a stretch of deep REM sleep will do to a mum. Well, last night E was up every 2 hours or so until 3:00 am when I had enough and brought him to bed with me. Even then it took him a while to fall asleep. I think I got about 5 hours last night, in 1 1/2 hour spurts. Yeah, I'm tired. I've just put him in his swing for his morning nap now (lucky) so I can get ready for the day. I'd much rather crash on the couch for a good 2 hour nap myself. One last thing: the above picture of Ethan looks a lot like my brother did as a baby. Ethan's definitely a MacKenzie!

Another quickie post before I hop in the shower this morning (it is still morning, isn't it??).....Ethan falling asleep in his jolly jumper. Note the drool. Hee!

Gah I'm so tired today - and I can finally hit the hay. Nothing new to report really - though I have some new pictures to scan and post here (instead today you get Ethan's newborn one-day-old picture, taken by Troy. He looks soooo tiny!). It reminds me that I need to post about being a new mother - the experiences I felt the first month or so - much different than motherhood of a 5 month old who isn't colicky, sleeps pretty well, and has a personality. Anyway - until then. Goodnight.

On this hot summer day, little man and I are heading to Fi's for a "girlie lunch" - something I'm really looking forward to. Some of my best pals will be there - women I treasure but see very infrequently due to my busy mommy home life and their busy corporate lives and commitments to their own husbands/boyfriends/dates. Which is just fine of course.

A year ago (or more, I guess, when I wasn't yet pregnant) I had lots in common with these ladies. We even shared an employer, a love for wine and lots of it, fine food, dishing about other people, and not taking life particularly seriously.  I'm still that person, but with a baby priority and baby LIFE - with not much time or energy for anything else. 

When we get together, I try to be my old Shelagh self - I mean, I still am that person. I just get to be that person less often, I guess. And when we get together, even with my baby in my arms, I try to still fit in my new "appendage" and they try to accommodate by cooing over my son and asking about motherhood.

This post is not sounding anything like I was trying to say - forgive me.  I guess when it gets right down to it is that I've changed, and find most in common with my (very few) mommy friends because Ethan is so prominant in my life.  It makes me a bit sad because these women - my women friends - are truly amazing and every time we get together I feel very lucky indeed that they choose me to be their friend. 

Perhaps they'll have babies in the next few years, when I'll have my second, and together we'll reminisce about the good old days of binges of Pinot Gris, entire meals centered around goat cheese, sushi and coffee.  And we'll swap recipes for baby food, compare the merits of Huggies to Pampers, the pro's and con's of baby talk, discipline, bad mommies, parenting magazines, drinking while nursing, and the heaven on earth that is an afternoon nap.

Care to join me?

hee!

hotsa!

Its a hot day around these parts. I'm sipping a Glacier Berry cider over ice, and my beloved has brought home a movie he knows I'd like to see from Blockbuster.  This is why I married this man!  I've made Ethan more baby food this afternoon (more apples, carrots, and peaches) and I think dinner will include corn on the cob.

And we're just about to go play with the baby in our little kiddie pool to cool off.  If there was any doubt, summer is here!

I think Ethan's finally learning the joys of sleeping. We've experienced a few days now of 6 hour stretches of sleep at night - and let me tell you, I'm feeling a lot more like my old self and may just love my son a smidgen more than I did this time last week.

play along. please?

I'm getting more and more hits all the time on this little blog - and while I know my family and some select pals read to keep tabs on me, the rest of you I've never met.  Please give me a snippet about you in the comments below! (for those of you who have not used the comments function before, just click on the word "comments" and it will open up a field for you to input your information. You can also read any comments others have left).

Please let me know:

1.  How did you find this site?

2. Do I know you? How?

3. What is your favourite way to spend a hot summer day?

4. Are you sick of the gratuitous Ethan pictures yet? (If your answer is "yes" just leave this one blank. Ha)

5. Do you have your own website? If so, what is it?  If not, list a favourite place you visit on the web.

Thanks everyone! Enjoy your day.  ~Shelagh

Yes, I do need a haircut :)

part of the package

One of my fondest memories of being a young child was when my dad would read to me from the Winnie the Pooh books.  It was a special time before bed, for cuddling and stories and Eyore and Piglet voices.  It was a special time for just us.
 
Once evening as we were finishing the last chapter of the House at Pooh Corner, I was half dozing in my dad's arms as we lay on the couch together.  I was partly lulled to almost-sleep by his voice, and it was probably just before bedtime.  Suddenly, his voice started to crack - and Christopher Robin didn't sound like Christopher Robin, and Pooh didn't sound like Pooh.  I was confused, and looked up at my dad, and noticed he was crying as he read to me.  At the time, being very young, I was not only very confused as to why my dad was crying, but alarmed - my dad was crying and dads aren't supposed to cry.  I remember trying to pretend that everything was normal and alright because the idea of a parent being vulnerable and sad and all that stuff that only kids are supposed to feel was very scary to me back then.  And because of that fear, I never forgot that day.
 
Now, being much older and wiser, I know why my dad got teary at that section of the book: Christopher Robin was telling his life-long friend Pooh that he wasn't going to be coming to the Hundred Acre Wood anymore because he was growing up.  And that he'd never forget Pooh - but poor old Pooh was going to be left behind and will miss Christopher Robin and their adventures terribly.  Its enough to slay any parent with a young child in their arms.  Ever since then, Pooh stories remain very special and symbolic to my dad and I as it not only reminds us of our closeness when we were very young, but of our bond today, which, thankfully, remains as strong as ever.
 
I tell you this story because I had my moment with my son that was like history repeating itself.  We have a book - like many modern-day parents do - called Love You Forever . The story is about a new mum who has a baby boy, and every evening when the baby is very much asleep, she'll creep into his room, hold him in her arms, and rock. While she rocks, she softly sings to him: 
 
"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be."
 
She does this over and over - when he's two years old, when he's 10, 18, 25, etc.  Its touching, but in all honesty, I thought a bit much and not that moving when I first read it cover to cover. But its a nice story.
 
Well.
 
The other evening Ethan would not go to sleep, surprise surprise. I sat in the rocking chair in his room and rocked him back and forth, trying to get him sleepy, which he'd have nothing of.  I grabbed the closest book to me on the bookshelf, which was Love You Forever.  So I started to read it to him as he nestled in my arms.  I read about the mum, rocking her son at every age, and then I got to the part.  The part where the mum is an old lady and sick and dying, and the son, now a grown man, comes to see her and picks up her frail body, puts her in his lap, and holds her and rocks her, and sings:
 
"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my mommy you'll be".
 
Well, lets just say that I had tears streaming down my face which landed in poor Ethan's hair as I read that, in a cracked voice, to my little son.  I know I'm his world - I'm so thankful and lucky.  But I just hope that he'll need me as much as he does now when he's grown and independent and strong.  All the stuff that mums worry about.  He'll always be my little one - and I hope to always be his protector and have a special place in his heart. 
 
Its part of the package - this thing called parenthood.  Constantly amazing, paralyzing, frightening, enriching, and surprising.  I feel so vulnerable, yet invincible where he's concerned.  I guess that will never change.
 
 

Its back to the doctor this morning to take another look at my eye - the yuckiness has come back. I hate wearing my glasses when its hot and sweaty out. Blah. So just a quick entry here, and a picture to tide y'all over until I write again - probably today. And praise Jebbus Ethan slept until 7:30 am this morning, with only one nursing wake! *applauds*

out and about

Or we intend to be, anyway, this evening. Troy and I are going to have a grown ups only dinner at 6 Mile Pub this evening. Not my first choice for a rare dinner out, but because of Ethan, and my mixed feelings of leaving him for any period of time lately, the pub is across the street from his grandma's and we can go and eat and drink there for an hour or so and return to him quickly.  Since he's about 2 hours between feedings, this should work well.
 
A few nights ago, while I was at my weekly massage therapy appointment down the street (and gone only an hour) Ethan had a terrible time and was SCREAMING as if in pain.  Troy could not console him no matter what he did - he even called the Nurse Line, and his mum who arrived shortly after I got home.  We were all a little worried about that. He's fine, but what sets him off like that I have no idea.  Sometimes, too, he'll awaken from a sleep or nap just bawling, and it takes him a while to be comforted. Its like he has a bad dream or something. I don't know. Troy and I were going to go to Il Terrazzo (a fave of mine) but that would take a lot longer and I know I'd ruin the evening worrying about my little guy. So be it.
 
If truth be told I'd almost rather just hang in tonight - throw a few steaks on the BBQ, have a few glasses of wine and just play with Ethan in the back yard.  But its true - Troy and I need to go do something, even for a short while, on our own.  I'll try to suck it up and not worry.
 
In other news, my red yucky eye is returning. I've got my glasses on again, and I'll have to go to either a Dr or my optomitrist on Monday or soon after to have it looked at. I'm wondering if my newish contacts are irritating my eye? Hrm. Either way, it really sucks and I hate having a sore red monster eye.
 
And on the motherhood front, I've successfuly made my own baby food (pears and apples so far) and Ethan really likes both of them mixed with either rice or oats cereal.  Not sure what will be his dinner this evening - one or the other.  I've also got mashed bananas, avocado, sweet potatoes and pureed broccoli on the roster to give him in the coming weeks.  Such a big boy!
 
Life is pretty simple and small when you have an infant at home to look after - but at the same time, I feel so huge and important because I know I'm the world to him.  Its a pretty amazing, if not terrifying, feeling.  I absolutely love it.

I'm pretty proud of myself - I bought some fruits and veggies today and made homemade apple and pear baby food today! Aren't I brilliant? Yeah I thought so. So for dinner today Ethan had his regular rice cereal mixed with a tablespoon of apple. You should have seen his face after the first bite - it must have tasted strange! But he decided he liked it, thankfully. And he ate it all up!

a long road

Well, today officially began our hunt for suitable daycare for Ethan come January. And so far its done nothing but make me more anxious about the whole thing.

The process of interviewing daycare providers (in home family daycare providers - usually stay at home mums themselves) reminds me of my experiences interviewing employees in government for job vacancies. You get your resumes, you narrow your choices down to those few that look pretty good, and you interview. You have high hopes - you want a winner or two to choose from. But then, the first candidate comes in, and every question is answered at sub par levels and you come away from the interview feeling pretty pessimistic that the position will be filled by anyone of quality.

Well, this happened today. The person we interviewed today had 2 big things going for her: she's a 3 minute drive away, and she's a little cheaper than the going rate (which would save us about $200 a month). Well you can't put a dollar amount on quality child care - we'd certainly not pick someone to do our son's weekday raising because they were cheaper!

This woman was pretty nice, but didn't seem to take the responsibility as professionally as I'd have liked. And her house wasn't too clean - tons of clutter everywhere. She has children of her own, who seemed a bit rambunctious. For example, her 8 year old was listening to death metal music in his room.

And the room where Ethan would be playing (if 10 month olds "play") is in the tv room - a room where she'd not be spending a whole lot of time herself - but she could HEAR the children from the kitchen/living room okay so that was good enough for her.

I asked Troy what he thought and he thought the woman was nice - but my expectations are higher than that. I'm sure she'd be fine - but its not what I envision for my child. She had no structure or ideas on how to have Ethan spend his day - standards I know are higher in other places.

So - back to the drawing board. I just hope that what we saw today was not representative of what is generally available out there. I have some more leads to follow up - and hopefully those interview experiences won't make me feel even worse (is that possible?) about returning to work in January.

*sigh*

Hot Stuff

Its hot and humid this evening here at Casa McIntyre. The ceiling fan is on full, Ethan's naked save for a diaper, and Troy's keeping cool with a beer. (Actually that doesnt count - he'll "keep cool with a beer" in the dead of winter). I'm just waiting for another hour to go by so I can put the wheels in motion to get little one into bed. Or close to, anyway.

Tomorrow we visit our first possible daycare provider. I'm getting started on this process a little earlier than I had intended, but there you go. We have a few irons in the fire as possibilities, until the REAL search begins. I'm glad I'm giving myself lots of time, instead of just worrying about the whole thing. I mean, I'll still worry, but a little productivity thrown into the mix makes me feel a bit better.

I'm also feeling a bit more sane lately. Ethan had another good sleep last night (only one night feed at 3:00 am, then another at 6:30 when I bring him to bed with me anyway). It makes a big difference to both of us. He also had a good nap this afternoon. Its days like this that I love my pudgy little monster that much more.

I also have a new slew of books to read. I'm so glad I'm reading again (even if its just for a few minutes each night in bed, before I fall asleep exhausted at 9:30!!). It takes me forever to get through a book at that pace, but still, its like dessert after a meal. Something sweet to look forward to (and save room for!).

Speaking of sweet - my sweet tooth (I have one now, since being pregnant) is out of control. I think I'll go make some tea and have some cookies. But what I'd give for a large (Venti) Strawberry and Cream Frap at 'bucks. I had one yesterday (instead of dinner) and man - its like the best strawberry shake you've EVER had. With enough fat and calories to last a girl a week. But you know.

Cross your fingers, dear reader, that I'll get some sleep tonight :)

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Damn my boy melts my heart. Its nice to know I can make my little guy so happy :)

dooce

dooce

Trust Dooce to always make me feel like my bouts of depression are managable. This new mum, who's writing is my favourite on the web these days, is having a much harder time than me. Apart from that - we have a lot of the same feelings in common yet she puts her feelings into words a heck of a lot better than I ever could.

I realize linking her here puts me at risk of losing my readers to her, but in my temporary mood of generosity I share Dooce with you (if you haven't already found her yourself).

Felt pretty good today - its amazing what some sleep will do to a gal. Ethan slept 2 shifts of 4:1/2 hours last night, which was helpful to me! Today we wandered down to the Lavender festival, then had dinner at Grandma's.

Tomorrow starts another week - a stretch of days that are like each other. Sometimes the rythm is welcome and its predictability a dance Ethan and I are getting comfortable with; other times its so mind numbing, slow, frustrating and helpless that I just want my arms to myself for a few hours to either nap, read, clean, or what have you instead of having my babe beside me 24/7.

But the ironic thing is that when he's not with me, I feel like part of me is cut off anyway, and I spend all that brief time apart wishing he was back with me. Which isn't always helpful.

Anyway. He's down, so I should wash my face and hit the hay myself since night times are so unpredictable. Will I get to lay down for 10 minutes, an hour? Two? Five? No body knows. Its just luck of the draw.

The three of us had a nice day today braving the crowds at Costco. $190 later, we have enough catfood for a month, a cute top for me, a boardbook for Ethan, and a horseshoe set for Troy and our backyard. And 8 chicken breasts. And frozen pizza. You get the idea. It was a nice family day - we don't get out as a 3-some enough to do something I'm afraid. We need to change that! Anyway - a quiet evening in tonight - nothing to report really, apart from welcoming the new readers I've seem to have attracted lately. Thanks for stopping by and reading!! :)

Reason to smile: Dad's finished the race! Just talked to him. Smiles all around here that he's home (well, in maui) safe and that he's happy. Congratulations, Kinetic crew!

lost

Something's going on with me, and its gaining momentum like a snowball rolling down a hill. But in slow motion. I think.

I used to suffer from depression, on and off. Its hard to say if it was truly clinical or just depression due to events happening in my life. Either way, I was using Effexor for about 2 years to great success before I got married. I weaned myself off of it before then so that Troy and I could conceive as soon as possible. Effexor is not safe for pregnancy, nor for nursing. And may I add that the weaning process of Effexor was awful - I felt like absolute crap.

Lately I've been feeling kinda blue - to lesser or greater degrees, depending on the day. I'm not wholly convinced that my feelings are clinical depression resurrecting its ugly head - but it could be. As I said in my last post, it could just be stress of motherhood and lack of sleep. I'm generally happy, but there's something deep inside me it seems that just makes me want to cry and cry and the days seem to stretch before me with a vastness that seems both desperate and horrifying at the same time.

Hopefully, this makes absolutely no sense to you, kind reader, in that you have no idea what it feels like to be depressed. For those of you, however, that nod in recognition, I'm sorry.

What gave me revelation yesterday was that during my 30 minute weekly massage therapy appointment, my therapist was working on my neck (a source of constant stiffness and pain - no doubt I carry a lot of stress there) and as she eased my muscles there I started to cry. Silently, albeit, but tears started to escape my closed eyelids and I was so EMBARRASED but there was nothing I could do. I'm sure she noticed, but thankfully she saved me some shred of dignity and said nothing.

I don't know what to do. I'm going to sit on it a while. Maybe my massage appointments give me my 30 minutes of silence a week (obviously I'm not getting enough of that) and I spend the time thinking (too much). I think about how much I love Ethan - and how vulnerable I feel now because I put my whole life in his hands, really (more so than he in mine) because if anything ever happened to him I'd be absolutely devastated and really could not contemplate existing. Thoughts like that scare me. Then I get all paranoid about his health, safety, and above all, his HAPPINESSS which is a huge responsibility. And in my paranoia, and probably most disturbing at this time for me, I get these horrifying mental images that flash in my head of awful things happening to him. I see these visuals, which just sort of plant themselves into my head like a virus, and then they wont go away. They are too awful to type down here, but they are gory and nightmarish. Then I think I'm going crazy, having the ability to even think about stuff like that. Now - these aren't images of things that I would be responsible for or anything like that - but accidents or something.

Its too awful to even acknowledge. But I guess I just did.

I need more sleep. I need to see my friends more. I need my mum to visit soon. I need more help around here. I need a glass of wine, and a break of more than an hour that I try to ENJOY and not just miss EThan terribly and wonder if he's okay in the hands of someone else. I need to just chill out and stuff.

Anyway, that's what has been on my puny mind lately. If I think about it I get too freaked out. If I don't I go back into auto pilot and take care of my wonderful little boy. I give him everything I have. I need to save my sanity for myself.

Sleepless in Victoria

Last night was not a night I want to repeat any time soon. Poor Ethan was so tired, so he went down at 8:30 pm. He was up at 11:00 pm, I nursed him back to sleep, but he would NOT stay in his crib and cry and cry and cry. I brought him to bed with me finally, thinking I'll let him (and me) sleep for an hour or two and then I'll put him back in his own crib. I tried to do just that at 2:00 am but to no avail. He ended up sleeping with me all night (something we haven't done in months) and he seemed to wake at least every hour if not more due to needing to change position, nurse, his nose being stuffed up, or whatever. So needless to say I'm exhausted.

I tried to pump some milk (just need about an oz.) this morning as I always do (usually the taps are at their fullest in the morning) for his morning rice cereal, but because he's been suckling all night I could barely get a half ounce, both sides! So he certainly can't be hungry and I'm going to wait an extra hour until feeding him again.

In other news, I've been exchanging emails with two ladies regarding Ethan's daycare needs (weep weep) come January. One of the ladies has 10 years experience, took a year off, and as of Sept is taking kids again. She also only lives a few blocks from here. The other has 3 years experience, lives sort of out of the way (Diva - she lives near your mum) and has a full roster but MIGHT have space come January. On first impressions, its this second gal I like more based on her email responses - much more personable, and thurough in her information. Either way, I'll have to visit both places first - and I have lots of other places to check out too as its still early days in this search for daycare. I wasn't going to start doing this until September - but when somethings on my mind I always seem to feel better if I just start working on it instead of letting it wait.

On the Vic-Maui front, Kinetic is still racing and they hope to finally finish tomorrow. Lets hope so! I think they're all ready to see and feel some land (and soap!).

B

My brother gets to meet my dad in Maui when Kinetic finally arrives (they predict Thursday night or Friday of this week). Its been a close race so far, and its nice getting daily updates from the boat emailed to all of us friends and family of the crew. I sure miss my dad! So Bill has been waiting in Hawaii since Monday, lucky stinker. Oh what to do with a large disposable income???

Today's been pretty good so far. I was wearing a new green tee shirt my hubby got me from his trip on the road - really cute, but it had this sparkly design on it. Which I like, but after a couple of hours wearing it I realized its shedding glitter all over everything, including Ethan. Because I don't look forward to trying to remove clear glitter from inside Ethan's eyes, nose, ears, buttcrack, etc, I took it off and stuck it in the wash in hope that it looses some of the sparkle so I can wear it around the baby.

Then I realized that all the clothes in the wash may now be covered in glitter.

I'll be the sparkly one, I guess! No matter what I wear.

Today's plans are uneventful - probably take a walk with E today - its nice out but quite windy - but its imperative to have that hour to kill. I think we'll head the opposite direction and hit Starbucks. I'm out of Verona and despite the huge caloric content, I'm craving a frap. I only had greek salad for lunch so I feel a little entitled.

I knew my mood would lift from yesterday, and it has pretty much. Troy gave me an extra hour sleep this morning and watched Ethan from 7:00 am until 8:00 am when he had to go to work. That helped a bit. And E's being pretty good today - a little fussy but nothing a dose of vacuum noise can't cure (which is why he's sleeping in his swing - a forced nap never hurt anyone!)

Speaking of Evil E - I hear him awaking so must log off for now.

'kay

I got out for an hour, listened to some loud Groove Armada in the car, and spent $170 on groceries. I feel better.

Gah I hate feeling sorry for myself, writing about it, and reading what I patheticly wrote afterwards. I come home to feed Ethan, and I give him the boob, but all he does is look up at me, baring his little gosey neck (my new favourite part of him) and smiling up at me like I'm his whole universe.

And I complain?

Come January, I'm going to be wishing for these days back, when I'm stuck going back to work and leaving him in someone elses care (talk about depression - I could write a book about my feelings about this, but I wont just yet). So I've had a cider and a piece of pizza and I'm feeling a little better.

I'm okay.

blue

I've been feeling a bit run down lately - physically, mentally and emotionally. It is hard to know if I'm suffering from another bout of depression, or if it just sleep deprivation.

Days are running together - every day is pretty much the same, and is tackled in a way to get through it almost as quickly as possible. Don't get me wrong - I love love love my little boy and our times together, but its just hourly increments to get through: dress, diaper, feed, entertain/distract, nap, walk, bathe, repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat until its finally time to get him to bed for the night and I can collapse for at least a couple of hours until he's awake again.

I don't have any time to myself - not that I don't have offers of help, but when I do take an hour or two for myself its to get groceries, or my hair cut, or to run errands more easily without him in the car. I can't relax just on my own, and I'm bound by ball and chain to his every-two-hour nursing schedule. He rejects a bottle now, so having another feed him is not an option right now.

I'm just exhausted - and the mundane of these days is starting to get to me. The days are just dragging. Depression? Or do I need more sleep? I'm so confused - there's nothing else I'd rather be doing. I look in the mirror and I feel that my face has aged years overnight.

I hate to say it - but perhaps if Troy was a bit more of a hands on parent I'd not feel so alone in the chores of parenting. But its not his fault I feel this way. I'm just spent. And I feel almost panicky when I realize that it doesnt really matter either way: I'm just not going to get a big stretch of sleep any time soon. I think I'll try to have a talk with Troy this weekend about my feelings and see if we can't make some changes around here - baby steps even.

We had a good day today - a nice walk to the park; and I even got a nap in with Ethan this afternoon. Tonight when Troy gets home I'm gonna go grocery shopping, so I'll at least get a mental break to drive in my car with the stereo on loud.

I don' t know. I don't know. I don't know. But like everything, these feelings shall cycle and I'll feel better or worse tomorrow. Ethan's such a good boy. I feel very conflicted writing all of this because its not his fault I'm so drained.

Rereading the last few posts, I realize I'm at risk of making new motherhood sound extremely mundane and boring. Well, it may be a bit routine around these parts, but it truly is wonderful and I could gush all day about it if I wasn't so damn tired all the time.

I was thinking last night, around 3:30 am as I nursed Ethan back to sleep, how strangely wonderful it is to be so intensely in love with someone - to almost tragic proportions. This little person, with his chin pointed up at me, showing his vulnerable little goosey neck - this little boy who I barely know, really. He's just starting to show me who he is. But it doesnt matter. I'm devastatingly in love with him and am truly helpless about it.

That's why we have children. To make and break our hearts into loving at their full capacity.

chew chew

Out of boredom, and the wonder if Ethan is feeling satisfied after eating (he seems a little frustrated sometimes after nursing) I thought I'd give him a sampling of rice cereal this morning after his breakfast nursing. I'm not sure he liked it - he made these funny faces, which might be due to a new consistency in his mouth, that isnt sweet, and is a bit chewy. I think he may have swallowed about a teaspoon in total - so we'll try it again maybe tomorrow so he can get used to the sensations, without really using the cereal for nutritional value at this point.

It could be a bit early, too, introducing solids like this at 4 1/2 months. Which is why I won't push it. He's just been so interested in watching me eat the last few weeks, I thought it might be time to try it here and there.

In other news, we're off to walmart today to try to get some more bibs and clothes for him since he's growing out of everything. Then Troy returns from out of town this afternoon. And then its Monday.

And so it goes.

Wondering what to do with myself on a Saturday Night

Well, around Casa McIntyre, Saturday Night is about as significant (and exciting) as any Tuesday afternoon. Except there's nothing on tv.

Ethan seemed to feel a lot better today - I've yet to dispense a single shot of Advil to him, which says a lot. We may even skip tonight if he keeps things up.

We just got back from a walk - and poor E got spooked by the loud noise of the passing train a block ahead on Goldstream. I've never seen him cry like that! Then another wail as I waited for my fruit "frappe" at the coffee shop - I guess he doesn't like blenders. And I was gonna make margaritas tonight. Damn.

Kidding, obviously - but oh how I'd go for a big slushy raspberry marg about now. Or 3 of them.

Tomorrow Troy returns from a 4 day trip to Aspen....which means I may get an hour to steal away to finish that book I was writing about before. Its really great.

And that is all I have to report today. Aren't you oh so glad you stopped by?

arg

I'm such a dope. I left Ethan's stroller outside last night for some stupid reason, and its been pouring rain now for hours. I just brought the stroller inside to dry off - its SOAKED! Which postphones any walking or driving anywhere with Ethan today. We have to go to Walmart to get a few things for him - I guess it will have to wait until this afternoon! Hopefully the stroller will be dry by then.

In other exciting news - I had a great visit with B and his sweetie yesterday - we had lots of fun and enjoyed some wine and cheese. Sophie gave Ethan an adorable Gund doggie named "Harry" which Ethan just loves. Its soft and squishy and molds right to his chest - great for hugs! He smiles whenever he sees Harry and loves to bury his face in his fur. Thanks Sophie!!!

After about 4 or 5 glasses of wine yesterday I went to my massage therapy appointment for my back - which was interesting when youre a few sheets to the wind. Ah well.

E's whimpering to be let out from his swing. Sometimes I wish I could leave him there contentedly all day and have a nap!